Carry Chapstick

During a brief break from work, we are building gates for the backyard, putting a shed in the back, building a catio, cleaning all the rooms, and getting stuff together for a garage sale.

Because I’m home, I don’t feel the need to have anything besides the tools required to build/clean. The pain from my lips proved my idea false.

Just because something doesn’t seem as important as what you need to have now, don’t neglect it. It could hurt.

Not Believing the Breakup

For more context, click here.

One final story about this interesting relationship:

After being back in the States for a bit, I finally confided in Mom that there was a guy. She asked questions, I answered. Then she looks at me and asks, “Did this actually happen?”

Huh?

What purpose have I to lie?

Yeah, it sounds more far-fetched than normal, I know. But why would I make shit up like that?

“You don’t seem upset or anything. Like, you have no emotion telling me.”

The breakup had happened almost a year prior to this conversation. And while it was a very sad breakup, I was over it.

I don’t have emotions connected to it anymore, just factual memories. I recognize I was happy when we were going out and I recognize I was sad when it ended, but that’s it.

Was she expecting me to cry about him? Was she expecting me to laugh? What was she expecting?

To this day, I’m a wee confused about that conversation between us, but she seems to believe me now. That’s something, at least.

You shouldn’t expect someone to harbor emotions a while after the fact. Don’t get me wrong, some people do. Some are traumatized over something like this for years. I probably would’ve been too id I didn’t care for myself as quick as I did.

But if I’m telling you something like this, first ask yourself ‘would she lie about something like this?’ (That English was so bad, but I’m keeping it; you get what I mean). Don’t ask someone (without a history of chronic lying) if they are fabricating. If you need to reprocess with a simple ‘Really?’ it’s better than straight up asking if I’m lying.

And those of you who are called liars (intentionally or otherwise), just accept it as confusion and articulate your thoughts. They may just need an answer to an inner question.

Hopefully with this, the damn story will close and I don’t have to make another post about it.

Thanks for indulging me.

Hugs

Alexandra

Post-edit: According to Mother, she was not calling me a liar. And to clarify, I didn’t think she was fully intending on that. I think it unintentionally came out like that because she was confused with the prospect. This doesn’t change the main point of the post, which is to articulate your own confusion first. Hope that cleared something up. Thanks ^_^

The Production

So, what was this play that sucked my life into oblivion for half a second?

I was involved in the musical The Producers. It’s one of the few musicals I like wholly. And if you dig musicals/satire/Mel Brooks, check out the movie with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick; it’s one of my go-to smile movies.

Anyway, how did such a great musical kill my soul temporarily?

Well, I was too heavily involved.

My mother bragged about her daughter’s theatrical training to a coworker, whose husband was set to direct the show in the town next door. Thanks to the strength of that grape vine, I was asked to join the artistic production team as Prop Mistress.

Say what you want about props in TV or stage, they are some of the hardest working people in any sort of media. But I was willing. Then I found out I’m the assistant director and rehearsal stage manager. Oh, and I’m gonna be onstage in the show, too.

Do you see why I was so busy the past several weeks?

Even with all the stress, I was able to work on a musical I liked with some pretty cool people. I made…friends?

It’s been so rough. A real trying time mentally, emotionally, and physically. But the production pulled together, and we did it. Opening night was amazing; the audience loved it. The following nights were great in their own way. That’s the magic of theatre: no two performances are the same. We had no bad or even mediocre performance. They were all amazing for different reasons.

And that’s a great feeling.

 

And We’re Back!

Did everyone have a good break?

Apologies again for disappearing; the production had me a mess for a bit, but now that it’s over, I’m back! Writing posts, reading (I haven’t read during the messy weeks), and watching videos when they actually come out. Oh! And preparing for the grand return to YouTube.

An actual post about the production will pop up on Wednesday.

With all that said, let me know if there’s any sort of post you’re wanting to see, and I’ll look into making it happen, potentially. Can’t promise, unfortunately.

Welcome back, beautiful people!

Hugs for all!

Alexandra

Hiatus Part 2

It hasn’t even been a month…

The production is eating me alive on top of work and other personal things going on. It’s rough when you only have two hours a day, soon to be less, to do anything self care worthy, including showering and making a decent dinner.

And now I’m just…so exhausted.

Posts will be back after production, so starting 18 March, we are back.

I apologize deeply. It hurts when I don’t even have time to write, one of my favorite things to do in the world.

Anyway, have a good break. Love you all. And I’ll see you in two weeks.

You Know You’re Busy When

your desk looks like this

and your bed looks like this

There’s been a lot happening, as I know I’ve mentioned before.

Here’s the thing, I can’t do everything. As much as I hate that, I do recognize I’m not Hermione and able to be in several places at once. Because of that, things may suffer.

And that thing for me is my home organization.

Here’s the other thing: I don’t mind.

I love organization, but my organizing is used in a different medium. I don’t particularly like having my areas like this, but there’s no real choice either. I’d rather let this suffer than my work at the moment.

Don’t be too bummed if you have to let something go for a hot minute. You’ll be able to go back to it once you’ve got the mental capacity and time.

24 Hour Theatre Project

I had a part in creating a 30 minute one acting play, conception to performance in 24 hours. What a roller coaster.

Because of it, and rehearsals for the actual production I’m in, I don’t have a blog post today. So, as an apology, here’s me, 10 hours in and delirious, with a Val Kilmer face mould.

You Are a Badass

One of the books I read in January (book club post here) was You Are a Badass by Jen Sencaro. I greatly enjoyed the book, and wanted to give some thoughts about why you are a badass.

Watching someone else totally go for it can be incredibly upsetting to the person who’s spent a lifetime building a solid case for why they themselves can’t.

I felt this as a personal attack. All of my friends are incredible at what they have set for themselves. And then there’s me. I am incredibly upset (at myself) when others go for it, only because I convince myself I can’t.

It’s just as easy to believe we’re awesome as it is to believe we’re giant sucking things.

It takes the same amount of brain power. So utilize it for something fulfilling.

We are all perfect in our own magnificent, fucked-up ways.

One of my favorite quotes in the whole book. We are magnificent, we are fucked up, we are us.

Do not waste your precious time giving one single crap about what anybody else thinks of you. 

This was in all caps, so it must be important. I think too much about what others think of me. It’s what I set for myself after traumatic bullying. But so much of my own limited time was spent worrying about someone else when I should have been worrying about me.

THE FOLLOWING IS HUGELY IMPORTANT SO PLEASE PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION: You have to change your thinking first, and then the evidence appears. Our big mistake is that we do it the other way around. We demand to see the evidence before we believe it to be true.

I love the way she wrote important messages. I do make the mistake of acting on evidence before faith when it comes to my self worth. Time to change.

Forgiveness is all about taking care of you, not the person you need to forgive. 

Forgive. Let yourself heal; who cares what happens to them afterward. It’s hard, impossible some may say. I’m well aware. But it lets me take care of myself, not letting the other off the hook or giving them my happiness.

Because so often when we say we’re unqualified for something, what we’re really saying is that we’re too scared to try it, not that we can’t do it. 

Another personal attack. Although, I have been getting a lot better at changing this, and I wanted you guys to be aware of what you may be too afraid to do too.

Do what you can in joy, instead of trying to do it all in misery. 

Working in joy helps better your overall attitude and helps it go by easier. I’ve had jobs I loathed, and I’ve spread that complaining to my family and friends. It’s not good for anyone, especially me. A better job and a better confidence comes when you find even the smallest joy and focus on it, rather than letting the overall misery be its defining factor.

Never apologize for who you are. It lets the whole world down. 

Boom. No more needs to be said.

The only failure is quitting. Everything else is just gathering information. 

Another favorite quote. Everything is learning. You are doing better than before; the only way you don’t is when you quit.

New level, new devil. 

Life.

If I Was an Anime Character

I’ve been watching quite a bit of anime recently, which made me wonder…what would it be like if I was an anime character?

Well, first, what kind of anime? It’d probably be Josei, a drama and comedy. Realistic plot, obviously, and no romance.

img_2105My character would be a recluse newbie college student, surrounded by books and followed by cats. Silent and shy. She’d have blue hair and wear baggy clothes.

You know what I see? She’s the main character with very little dialogue because everyone else talks about her. Why is she sitting in the rain? Why is she so attached to cats? Why does she go to cafes alone just to read? Why does she window shop, but never buy anything?

She’s an anomaly the other characters try to figure out, not for romance reasons. Out of pure curiosity. Ooh! I’d call it Curiosity Killed the Cat!…Okay maybe not.

BRB, gonna go call Funimation.

AND I want Mamoru Miyano to play the professor she talks to.

…and that’s who I’d be as an anime character.

Who would you be?