How Old Am I Mentally?

Yesterday, I had a very unfortunate wake up call. Mentally, I am younger. And immature.

I’m 27 years old. Yet, I act like a teenager. Mentally, I’m in the 16-20 year range. How do I know this? Like I said, yesterday I had an unfortunate brush of reality.

I took a non work day due to trying to get myself organized and feeling mentally better. Some context, I live with my mother and brother. We’re more like roommates, but that’s for a different time. My mom is a teacher. She’s amazing at her job, specializing in at-risk youth. She has a lot of stresses, and everyone has bad days (and if you can’t tell by now, this story may paint her in an unfavorable light. However, she’s an awesome lady and I love her. And she reads this blog {don’t get mad, Mom}).

During the morning, I got messaged to meet my director of a show I’m working on at noon. Then Mom messaged me saying that the couch and stuffed animals she keeps in her classroom for her students is against firecode and had to be immediately removed. We had one car to share amongst three, and I had it. She asked me to come pick up the couch. Ugh. It’s just the innate laziness of not wanting to move from my desk before I have to go to the theater. Also, how stupid of the firecode, considering other things I’ve seen in classrooms.

But I told her I’d do it.

On my way out, in the car, pulling onto the street, she called to tell me her pizza party was cancelled and can I please bring her lunch. Mild annoyance, because that means I have to stop one more place, since I’m not going back to the house. But it wasn’t a big deal. Jokingly, I whined about just leaving (with the plan of picking her up food instead). She said she was sorry and that she found out after first period (about an hour and a half ago). Teachers don’t have an opportunity to sit, much less message a person about lunch. I understood why she wouldn’t have told me until now. Still, like a petulant teenager, and not at all seriously, I whined again; “Why didn’t you tell me then?” It wasn’t meant to harm or to be taken seriously. However, she screamed over the phone, “NEVERMIND, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, I’LL JUST FIGURE IT OUT, GOD!” And she hung up.

I was stunned. Huh? Did she mistake my tone for arguing or anger? Did she not understand the kidding-ness of my statements? What the hell just happened?!

I picked her up some food and went to the school, fully intending to ask her about it. I got there, and she, with three other students, brought out the couch and shoved it in the trunk. She didn’t speak to me. She didn’t even look at me. I didn’t exist. Then she slammed the trunk shut and stomped back inside. Even her students were a bit shocked. I gave Mom’s lunch to a student, and left.

I wasn’t even a block from the school when I started to sob. Full crying, noises, headache, everything.

Mom was angry with me.

What did I do?

And I realized: I was acting like a child.

I whined about doing any sort of work or favor. I was like her students, who she has to deal with times a thousand every day. I even started crying when I didn’t understand why an adult I look up to treated me unfairly.

I already knew I was immature for my age. I’m on no real career path, I live at home, I’m a shopaholic with not enough income, and I still need to ask for the car to go anywhere. I’m stuck in a college brain, where I’d rather stay in school than go out to the real world.

I know this.

But this wake up call was something new. And something very ugly to me.

I did not like what I was realizing about myself.

Was Mom in the right to act that way toward me? I don’t believe she was. Was my behavior what set her off? Probably not. She may have had a really bad day (being the handler of 200+ 11-12 year olds).

(Note: I asked Mom about this several hours later, and it was indeed me. She was pissed at me for yelling and arguing and crying, and she was sick of it. I didn’t yell; the mic through the car picked up a different cadence. I certainly wasn’t crying, until after I was scolded. I did argue, but in a non-serious matter. At the time of typing this, neither of us have apologized)

But it still hits me in the face like a baseball bat. I’m 27, not 18. I know I need to mature.

I just need to figure out where to start.

Wish me luck.

Nice Band Stories

I’ve seen a few concerts, and I’ve met a few bands, too. Everyone curious enough tends to ask what they’re like: Do they smell? Do they smile? How do the speak? It’s a whole to-do. Something I notice is that some are fascinated by whether or not they are nice to fans.

Every band I have met has been great. But there’s one particular moment I want to share.

I got to see, and meet, Blink-182 while I was in Glasgow. While I was in the VIP line (ooh, so exclusive), I was chatting with a lady who was far too excited to see her favorite band, particularly Travis (drummer). She told me she had paid just to meet them, since she couldn’t stay for the concert itself. She showed me her tattoo inspired by Travis. She was so happy, and I was happy for her.

And then we were at the front of the line. And this lady starts to cry. She walks up to the band, blubbering and sobbing (I don’t mean to make fun of her at all, I’m just telling you what it looked like). Through all her sobs, she managed to tell them how she felt, how she was sorry she couldn’t stay for the concert, and she even got to show Travis her tattoo. Her time was up, and she left them, still crying happily.

Before anyone else went up to meet them, the three band members talked among each other. After a brief chat, Travis grabbed a manager, or someone in charge, and spoke to him as well. I was curious, and nervous. Were they done meeting us? Will I not get to meet a band I’ve been listening to since near childhood?

No. Something better.

The band continued to meet with us (super nice, approachable, 2/3 were huggers, and goofy), while the manager went and grabbed the sobbing fangirl. They invited her backstage to hang out with them until she had to leave.

It was one of the nicest gestures they could’ve done. Not give her free merch or force her upon someone else, but give her their time. The manager led her, crying still, through the back and into the backstage void. I don’t know what happened, but I hope she had the time of her life.

My First Time Voting

img_6588I’m 27 years old and I’ve never voted. Until this past Tuesday.

Here in the States, you can vote at 18. However, I also believe in voting when you’re ready. Due to family history, I tried to avoid politics. And because I wasn’t politically-minded, I felt that I was ignorant to what was happening. I don’t want to do something as important as vote if I’m so ignorant.

Now, at the midterm elections, 9 years after my legal voting age, I voted.

I no longer felt ignorant, and I felt like it was the right time for me.

How did my first time go? Well, it definitely wasn’t a cakewalk.

I wanted to go early before work, so I got to the polls at 7:30 am. And they weren’t open. I was fairly certain polls were supposed to be open at 7. Frustrating. But, I can just come back, so off to work I went.

After work, I went to vote. I waited in line. For a while. I was there at around 4:20 (blaze), and I had somewhere to be at 5:15, at a half hour drive away. People chatted since everyone knew everyone (except me, the town hermit), and generally wasting time. I just want to vote.

Finally, I got to check in. I registered in August. If you remember, I moved in August so I don’t recall which address I put down. They asked my address, and I stumbled. Poop-poop-de-doop, I’m about to be kicked out of line to re-register. Luckily, I was able to go through after talking to the volunteer.

I went into a booth. I filled in the bubbles. My sharpie almost ran out. I put it in the slot, once finished. Another volunteer announced that I voted and gave me the infamous ‘I Voted’ sticker.

It was, indeed, a super simple process, but it is so necessary.

If you’re able, and your feel ready to do it, go vote in the next election.

Hugs

Alexandra

The Relationship (part 2)

And we’re back.

Thanks for dealing with that awesome cliffhanger just to find out the truth about my ex-boyfriend. Let’s do this.

Tom (he’s still Tom) and I dated for about six months. And here’s the kicker about our relationship: it was good!

That’s right, we had a good relationship.

We went on regular dates, whether it was a movie or walking around city centre or just staying at home eating potato salad, studying. Tom came with me to Edinburgh to see kitties and I went with him to the various shoppes of Glasgow (since he liked to stay in town). I helped him with his strict family issues and a strained wrist from writing too much. He helped me with my mental disorders and a nerve-damaged knee. Tom supported my passions and interests of theatre, drag, YouTube, and gothic themes. I supported his passions and interests of {his major}, soccer, anime, and Dwayne Johnson.

What about arguments? Every couple has those, right? Our only big argument was about me going to London without him. And that’s because I didn’t even tell him (whoops). That argument was resolved quickly. Oh, and we did argue about our favorite animes. (No, Bleach is not the best, I don’t care what you say, Tom. “Better than Ouran.” Are you ready to fight for those words?!)

Here’s where it goes downhill.

Six months into dating, Tom discusses a fear of his: what happens at the end of the school term? He had another year, but after that he was planning on staying in Scotland, or maybe going to England. I was going back to the States. As we talked about our personal plans, Tom asked about my thoughts on marriage.

Hesitation.

Was he proposing?

What are you saying, Tom? “Do you think you would want to marry me?” I was quiet. And, honestly, I was scared. Not of Tom. Not that I didn’t love Tom (I did love him). I was scared because there was an intuitive thing inside my heart and soul that said NO. I should not marry Tom. At least now. Right? I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure… “Okay. You don’t need to answer today.” But what about tomorrow?!

The next week was a wave of emotion. Classes were ending soon, my internship was taking a lot of energy, and I had an internal battle over love and self.

On that fateful day, though, the battle was won. I was meeting Tom at the coffee shoppe we first met in. It was our place. Right before I turned the corner, my phone went off with a text from classmate (and savior, honestly) Aisha. As I was checking my phone, I overheard Tom! He was chatting with two of his mates (one was his roommate). As I was answering Aisha back, this is what I heard:

  • “How serious are you really getting with her?”
  • “Pretty serious. She’s cool.”
  • “Man, how can you be with someone so fat and ugly?”

My heart skipped. I listened on in secrecy.

  • “Your mom will kick your ass when she finds out you’re dating a disgrace.”
  • “Mom just wants a daughter-in-law anyway; I don’t think she’d care what she looks like.”
  • “She will if it breeds ugly grandkids.”
  • “I don’t plan on having kids with her anyway.”
  • “Doesn’t your mom expect her to come visit soon?”
  • “Yeah, I haven’t asked Alexandra yet. Maybe bring her down over the summer, but I think that if I avoid my mom for long enough, she’ll forget.”
  • “Another chance for grandkids? She won’t forget.”
  • “I could hope.”
  • “What made you go out with her for so long?”
  • “I’ve told you already: she’s cool. Yeah, she’s not good to look at, but she’s cool.”
  • “Is it worth it?”
  • “Man, you know they only get fatter, right? She’ll be the size of your flat!”
  • “I’m hoping to go blind before that happens.”
  • “Blinded before you get crushed to death when you finally fuck her?”

Enough was enough. I turned the corner and faced my three demons.

Silence.

Tom was stunned to see me there (almost half an hour early), but he knew better than to try to back track his words or his friends’ words. I simply stared him in the eye. He had very giving hazel eyes. They were always supporting his truths or giving away his lies. I guess I never really paid attention until that moment. Unfortunately, he truly believed what he was saying. And with that acknowledgement, I simply said goodbye, and I walked home.

I was a mix of emotions. I was sad for the end of a ‘great’ relationship. I was angry at his ‘opinion’ of me. I was happy that things didn’t get too serious between us. I was disappointed in myself for falling for a shitty guy. Again. I was anxious about the future of me. I was irritated that he lied to me about keeping a relationship secret from his family. I was confused, embarrassed, depressed, annoyed. And once I felt all these feelings, I became an emotionless husk. My internship was over. IRP time. So much alone time…

During my first few days of breakup craziness, I stopped taking my medication, I stopped eating, I booked a trip to France, and I deleted every photo and message I had of/from him on my phone.

Tom did send me one last note. It was handwritten and shoved with the rest of our mail. He was completely honest that, while he loved how smart and odd I was, he did find me unattractive. Ugly and fat. He said I deserved someone who found me attractive and loved my personality. And it was not me. I tore up that note and threw it out my fourth story window.

Nothing made sense to me anymore. Men are supposed to be physically attracted first, right? How could he date someone he thought was ugly for six months. Half a year. I did notice he never complimented my looks, just my intellect or wit.

A couple of weeks go by. Everything is awful. My writing sucks. Trying to be social is torture. Eating 0-400 calories a day isn’t making me thinner. My meds are gathering dust. And Alix of Hesse will always have love in her life despite hardships.

I left town. I went to see kitties in Edinburgh. The orange one, named Sebastian, sat with me. He doesn’t know if I’m smart or dumb, funny or not, odd or normal. ‘Who cares what you look like, the point is, are you going to pet me?’ Of course I did. It was the first time I genuinely smiled in weeks. Who cares what I look like, the point is, am I going to live? Am I going to work hard, do what I love, have fun?

Not long after that, I went to Paris, feeling much better about myself. I did my absolute best on my IRP, I did reviews for Fringe, I did a one-woman show, and I finished graduate school.

I still have self-esteem and confidence issues, but I’ve had those long before Tom. I’m still depressed. I still feel like a whale on land. But this boy did not and will not take away my good qualities as a person.

I had to take care of myself. And it started with a broken heart.

Care for yourself, safely, no matter what others think of you.

 

A Message from Assistant Edgar

IMG_1570It is 5 November, 2018.

Happy Bonfire Night to Miss TG’s U.K. friends.

Miss TG is having a struggle with her scheduling, which gives me more work.

So, even though I have a lot of paperwork to do, I was also scheduled to give another message.

Sometimes your work, your life, or your mind will give you extra struggles.

All we can do in these moments is work through it to the best of our ability. It may/will take time. But success is more than possible; it is achievable.

And do not be afraid to ask for help. In my line of business, I usually work alone. However, in these busy days, I have asked Senior Marketer and Certified Black Cat Mr. Toothless to help me. It is not a sign of weakness or failure to ask for help. I’m perfectly capable in my abilities; I just also knew I could not do it on my own.

It is okay to worry and to stress.

But do not let it overpower and overcome you.

Sincerely,

Assistant Edgar

A Relaxing Day…

Yesterday I needed to compress from a lot that’s been happening.

Fortunately, my brother and I had a day off together for the first time in a while. I had started a new job, he got new hours, and we were never able to spend time together. Yesterday was a good day.

We sprawled blankets, we ate snacks, we played Monopoly and CAH and Diablo III. We watched Game Grumps and The Frighteners.

It was nice.

It was a day I needed.

Today, I face my problems again. But I’m better than I was two days ago.

Take moments, even in times of stress, to relax and not think about those things. Not thinking about it won’t make those problems go away, but having a moment of not thinking will give your brain a rest. And a restful brain is a more productive brain.

Take a break, then face your problems.

Hugs

Alexandra

In the Month of October

In Writing

I edited a play that was read by a Reader’s Theatre this month! The play is called Passion Bearer, and is about my lady, the last Tsarina of Russia. I got good feedback and hope to do more with this play. Next month will definitely be more of a frenzy with writing, since I’m taking part in NANOWRIMO. And now that I said that, I actually have to go through with it.

In Art and Crafting

Though I didn’t post it, I did make a craft this month, so I’m still good on my one craft a month goal. For Halloween, I made a jewelry set! It’s mostly for work since we can’t dress up for work (check that post here). img_6543

In Videos

I had a couple of hiccups when my damn computer would stop working! But, I still got videos out on time. Notables this month are a continuation of Rusty Lake Roots (to be finished next month, thank God), a cosplay video in which I transform into Mask of the Red Death (yay, puns), and an interview with a robotic clone (fun to editfun to edit). Click on the comments in parenthesis to go to the vids.

In Reading

I read NINE books this month. NINE!!! I think I’ve gone crazy…but here they are:

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

I, Monster by Tom Philbin

Insight Guide Japan

Macbeth by William Shakespeare

The War That Saved My Life by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss

Death, etc. by Harold Pinter

Songs for the Teenage Nomad by Kim Culbertson

…so many books…

Next month will be four books.

Personally

It started out great and kind of went downhill, this month. I got to see Fall Out Boy, and thus crossed off another thing on my bucket list. But I also had to cancel travelling plans and Halloween overall has been a poop. It certainly doesn’t help that yesterday turned into such a bad day at work. So bad, I actually had to bust out some angry songs at max volume and scream into a pillow.

Things could be better.

Anyway, I hope my depressing attitude toward Halloween (my favorite holiday, usually, by the way) hasn’t steered you away from it. Go celebrate; trick-or-treat, watch all the movies, go to costume parties. Have fun.

And Happy Halloween from someone who truly wishes you a good time.

So, that was October.

I hope you continue to enjoy my blog. Thanks! ❤

Hugs and Spooks

Alexandra

Halloween Movies That You Might Not Think About

Guys, Halloween is two days away.

I don’t know about you, but this Halloween season has been such a dud. This Wednesday, I’m just gonna watch some movies and throw candy at some children.

But what movies?

I could say the generic Halloween movies, like Halloween, Halloweentown, Hocus Pocus, Friday the 13th, Scream, etc. But I have a different list. So, if you’re looking for more spooky season films, here are some of my favorites:

  • The Frighteners–the most underrated horror movie in existence. Also known as a horror comedy, it follows a man (mid-90s Michael J. Fox) who can communicate with ghosts after the death of his wife. Love it. Can rewatch it over and over.
  • The Last Man on Earth–the original film version of I Am Legend. With Vincent Price.
  • Stay Alive–I mean, I think it is. Guys, I’m a puss when it comes to horror. I scare easily. I watched this through the cracks of my fingers. It’s about gamers, and if you die in the game you die in real life. The real question is, did this come before or after Sword Art Online? (Answer: before)
  • 1408–want a good thriller? Yes. This one. John Cusack trapped in a paranormal hotel room.
  • Stir of Echoes–another severely underrated horror/thriller. Kevin Bacon gets hypnotized, and becomes haunted by visions of a girl’s ghost.
  • Two Head are Better Than None–this is on the fun side. The Halloween special of Kenan and Kel (Nickelodeon baby here), when they are stuck in a headless man’s house.
  • Beetlejuice, Sleepy Hollow, and Corpse Bride–Tim Burton is known as a spook master. These three are particularly good around this time of year. I would’ve added Edward Scissorhands, except I see that more as a winter film rather than Halloween.
  • Nightmare Before Christmas–no, this is not Tim Burton, surprise. This is Henry Selick. Anyway, good for Halloween or Christmas.
  • The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror–for those who want a show rather than movies. I love these since they parody horror movies and stories. Hilarious every time.
  • The Crow–taking place in the actual time of Halloween. A man (Brandon Lee) and his fiance are murdered. On the anniversary of their deaths, he comes back to life to seek his vengeance. There is some disturbing things in this one, as a warning. Check parental guide for triggering things.

And that’s it for now!

I hope you find a new movie to appreciate this year.

Personally, I’ll be watching The Frighteners, Beetlejuice, and Sleepy Hollow. The Crow if I have time.

On the actual day of Halloween, the post (since it’s a Wednesday) will simply be a sum-up of the month. So, I’m wishing you a Happy Halloween now.

Enjoy your Halloween, everyone!

Hugs and Spooks

Alexandra

Books to Read Around Halloween

Are you a big bookworm like me? Do you want to get into the spooky spirit?

Well, let me give you some recommendations!

  • Masque of the Red Death by Edgar Allan Poe. Or anything by Poe. He’s the perfect author to read around Halloween. True haunts. And a spooky list would be incomplete without my fave.
  • Salem’s Lot by Stephen King. Or basically anything by Stephen King. Much like Poe, he give you true haunts.
  • Dracula by Bram Stoker. A true classic horror.
  • Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. Another true classic horror.
  • The Omen by David Seltzer. Based off the movie (like a true twist), it’s a pretty frightening supernatural horror.
  • Hallowe’en Party by Agatha Christie. It is not a true horror/suspense list without my homegirl. Be prepared to not figure anything out again!
  • Stardust by Terry Pratchet. A mild book comparatively, but this book has its fair share of witches and ghosts.
  • Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury. It’s a dark fantasy involving a carnival. Have chills run down your spine yet?

I have many more, but I don’t want to overwhelm you with a long list. Especially since we only have a week until Halloween.

Enjoy some literary haunts!

Hugs and Spooks

Alexandra